I am not well.
Since yesterday at the end of the afternoon, I do not feel well. My environment seems foreign to me. I have trouble recognizing my surroundings, for a few minutes when they talk to me, I no longer know who they are.
I feel sad, downcast.
I had an anxiety attack. I have trouble breathing, my chest hurts. I feel a weight crushing me, hands squeezing me. I want to run away.
I hear parts crying in it. They are scared. Soon something will happen. Soon I will die. Soon he's going to kill me. I'm afraid !
I can no longer draw. Drawing is forbidden, it's not good. I am not allowed to draw.
there are hands pressing me on the ground. I can no longer breathe, he crushes me on the left. I am a bad girl.
I have sores on my sex. Again. Without reason. It happens sometimes. As if my body remembers and brings out what it has experienced.
This period is a trigger date. Just watched, I wrote similar posts around the same time period in previous years. I'm afraid of dying, I'm in pain, I'm not well ...
I have a dissociative part that went through something horrible around this time and it reactivates on the "anniversary" of that date.
It's very strange !
I was very sore last night and this morning when I woke up. Then when I had to leave for work, when it was time to leave, I went there and I found my adult skills, my adult life. I was able to work pretty well, with little or no pain.
It's like I'm 2 people. Two people, two lives, strangers to each other.
I feel disconnected, unreal, crazy ...
What is me
What is reality? My daily life ?
What is past and what is my present?
What is really going on right now?
The feelings that come back are so present, so real ...
I feel in my body, I feel the hands, I feel the weight pressing down on me, but it is 2020, I am an adult.
I am scared, I am anxious, I feel threatened with death but I am safe, I am an adult ...
Traumatic memories ... it's excruciating!
It's exhausting to live like this!
I'm fed up ! I want to be one and only one!
I can't take any more of this suffering!
And I'm scared. I do not want to know. As soon as things come back it screams inside, I want to run away, to escape this one way or another ... to run away, to run away from this body ...