You know the game of "Who is this?" ?
Here are the emails I had with my shrink during the month of April 2020.
Several parts are expressed ... Will you be able to recognize them?
"Hello !
Could someone like me have had only primary dissociation with a very elaborate PE?
The number of PE and their "autonomy" does not depend on the frequency and the violence of the traumas?
in fact there is no gradation in the violence of the trauma experienced? It is not primary dissociation = "slight trauma" until tertiary dissociation = "most abominable trauma"?
The number of PAN and PE does not necessarily mean that there were several rapists, several kinds of rape, several aspects of the trauma to which to adapt and react?
Someone like Adelaide Bon apparently has PTSD, she only had "one rape" at age 9. Mié Kohiyama seems to have PTSD and had "a rape" at 5 years old, Sébastien Boueilh is said to have PTSD and had several rapes from 11 to 16 years old. Baptiste de Casenove apparently has PTSD, he also had "only one rape" at 4 years old. Jenny Haynes, Régina Louf and Olga Trujillo have DID and have had multiple rapes. Why is this so?
Does the age of the first trauma matter and does it determine the "degree" of dissociation? Where is it just a "matter of chance", "brain training", "genetics"?
So even in a primary dissociation the EP is not necessarily a "small EP" in the sense that it will not necessarily react to a stimuli of memory? It could also be more "elaborate" and develop strategies of safeguard, fight, flight, combat on its own? Could this single EP have experienced several rapes over several years?
Does the form of dissociation depend on the perpetrator of the trauma and what he says and does? The number of splits in the mind would be a response to his actions and words?
Adelaide Bon was protected and yet this did not prevent the formation of her PTSD, she was immediately heard, believed ... But could not find the words to say it all, her mind could not have everything remind him. And yet she was accompanied, saw a shrink afterwards, was heard by the police, her family ...
Is tertiary dissociation a form of incoherent dissociation like that of schizophrenics? The most "muddled" mind at the time of the trauma would "break" more?
Is it due to a story of "education", "shoring up"? Mié Kohiyama would have received "a good education" and thus would have been sufficiently "supported" not to "break too much" and the others would have had less luck in "falling" into families with more or less dysfunctions?
Where is it a question of IQ? The more we are "intelligent" with a high IQ, the more we have "luck" that it ends with a TDI because our mind seeks "more a way to understand what happened" and therefore multiplies the splits for conceptualize and analyze? Could schizophrenia be the fact of not having understood in time that we must hide the dissociation from those around us, of having been "discovered" and that those around us used it to harm us? Suddenly parts instead of turning into "controls" would turn into "parts making us look crazy", another way to escape, to protect yourself? Where is it again a question of the particularity of the rapist, that it adds "degrees of mental manipulation"? Where does the fact that the entourage reacted by calling it crazy and suddenly the parties take "this role"?
Do those with primary dissociation hear "voices" too, or is it just the memory of the rapist's words and the sensory memories that manifest? Can they dialogue with their EP like me?
What determines the training of the controls and analyzes and observations?
Excuse me for all these questions ... I would really like to understand ..
In fact I still have a lot of trouble understanding primary, secondary and tertiary dissociation ... I can't really understand in which cases one or the other is formed ...
and "autonomy" of the parts ... can a primary dissociation have dissociative parts that do not arise just in the face of triggers?
There are still a lot of things that I did not understand ...
My boss took several days to answer me and does not want to take me back until next Monday, she only answers me by very short and brief texts… it puts me under great stress. I have the impression of being abandoned by her, betrayed ... Many parties lose confidence and have the impression of being a plague, of having done something wrong without understanding what ...
I feel stuck, trapped… in a state of stress.
I stay with my boyfriend all the time. This reassures me because it would be unmanageable in my apartment.
Added to this is this prolongation of quarantine and the fact of not seeing you at your office.
Forties weighs on me more and more.
I feel a lot of physical pain during the day and I oscillate constantly between activation and falling asleep and loss of time.
I have a lot of trouble regulating.
My boyfriend manages the meals and as he works, he brings a form of temporal reality to my days. He also makes me regain my foothold in reality by asking me to help him with shopping or cleaning. My anxieties of abandonment and loneliness subside with him by my side.
So I try to occupy myself with something else so as not to stress and panic too much ... Hence the craze for PowerPoint;)
I especially don't want to work on the trauma in any way. I have the impression of being in unstable equilibrium, on the edge of the abyss and that a little nothing could tip me into panic and horror… I am also afraid for that when we do Skype sessions ...
Working on theory seems to me the only acceptable thing ... A kind of compromise.
Would you agree to have a Skype session tomorrow but to talk about the theory and the questions I asked you?
I know I see you as a therapist and not as a teacher but understanding helps me !!!
For a few days now I have read and reread the site of doctor salmona and understanding what is happening physically in the brain has helped me a lot! Understand that these pains that I feel are "in my mind" but also have a tangible physical reality because my amygdala and my hippocampus cannot process kind of "ghost memories" of what I have experienced, that my pains are feelings of the past that my hippocampus could not understand and integrate and that my amygdala only turned on and off….
It makes abstract things concrete…. I need to understand it this way!
I hear dialogue, we try to explain to those who are afraid why they are afraid and why now my hippocampus will be able to process the information and why before he could not ... it reassures about the integration of a certain way….
Hello !
I believe that these last 2 days of having had the "explanations" of the intellectuals on the functioning of the brain it helps the little ones to understand what they lived, it also helps to more tolerance inside ...
Each party will be able to speak, if the parties want to talk about something else they will be free to do so. I feel better, less in stress, less in pain… I have the impression of having found "more reality" in the here and now.
I would really like to popularize things as we do for our small parts ... and at the same time remain exact and interesting for people in search of information….
It's hard to decide ...
Hello !
Why is sexuality put in the action system of the PAN and not that of the EP?
When I have sex, those are my PE who come and act ... I find that illogical and false!
Do you have an explanation ?
In addition for a rape survivor it is necessarily a trigger so it is not the PAN that is there. .. or does this only apply for other types of trauma?
The "quaternary" knocked me down. ... but it echoes and it makes sense that my system continues to hide and also some feelings sometimes ...
Being photographed or filmed is a trigger and sometimes not, but then I feel a hypo-activation as if my whole body freezes and moves in slow motion and my mind is confused and I take "breaks".
Likewise for ritual violence sometimes I feel a lot of anguish and fear and sadness and sometimes it is completely foreign to me.
And the impression that another "system" started to come just before containment. As if I had a system that has advanced and now collaborates and works better and another system has arrived with the same kind of parts, the same organization but with a more "primal and bestial" side. I sometimes have the impression of having 2 "small cages" parts, one which continues to come crying and the other which has evolved, grown ...
And the impression of having to go through the same process, work, information ... even though I thought I had passed this step!
And I also feel a lot of new parts again that are wary of you. Whereas the parties that did it had evolved and are allies now. ..
And containment doesn't help! Parties are losing confidence in you. Without taking into account the fact that containment is not your responsibility.
I also have different nerd parts. One that gives me a headache when it comes. One who gets angry quickly and feels a lot of anger if she feels that someone refuses to explain things to her. A very soothing with a mother side who tries to explain to everyone, when she is there I feel very good, at peace and calm (a little anesthetized too) with feelings as before perfection and fullness.
We are very frustrated not to see you, not to be able to interpret and observe your reactions. We feel in danger talking to you by skype.
I went back to work and it's too bad!
And besides her daughters they threw up in the morning before she had to leave.
We don't know if it's because they don't want me to work or if they're really sick.
We don't even know if it's serious or not.
We don't know if we should stop work.
What do you think we should do?
I'm afraid.
And the job sucks.
The bosses were angry all the time and we don't know if it's us.
And the employees were not nice because we did not work and believe that we were on vacation.
It's all bad!
I do not want! I envy her daughters she leaves. I don't want to take care of it. I don't know and I'm afraid. And there are some who are angry.
What do you think I do?
It's really hard! I just switch.
It is too long there that we no longer see you!
At work it's really boring!
I have these parts that have just arrived who have kept their way of thinking and functioning as in the sect who are lost and want us to save them and tell them what to do that we decide for them. And I have the employees who are completely nuts. ... a woman is there suddenly she tries to "educate me". And I understand even more all the moments when they disrespected me and where they purposely made me "ridiculous or pass for a whore".
And I got screwed plenty of times. I felt that some were ticking but I didn't understand why.
And I was rowing trying to have some semblance of respect. And sometimes I thought I had some.
But I realize it wasn't. And it makes me sad and angry.
And it's hard to see certain similarities in their speech and what I experienced or said as closed and sectarian speech at times when I was in the sect.
I explode too much !!!
And parties are hearing this speech and saying to themselves that it would be easier for us to dictate all our actions and actions.
I can't seem to figure out what to think what to say ...
I want to leave.
I am disappointed with my bosses. And I am shared with a desire to love everyone. A desire to be part of a group and to be protected by this group.
And total despair.
I have no feedback from the site and no new subscribers. Nobody cares.
It sucks in fact everything I did. People don't care.
I will never get the job where I applied and I don't have the skills for it anyway. I'm worth nothing!
Testifying is useless. You and my sister are listening. The others don't care.
Hello
I don't know what to answer your questions. I don't hear much when I'm there.
Many follow one another or I have several at the same time and it procrastinates for hours.
All I know is those who say nonsense and those who want a guru to lead us are related. They always came together. When some are there, the rude ones are on the balcony and comment. I do not believe that the rude ones have had much the right to really take the body. I think they almost always stayed up to comment on what's going on. They were there during my teenage years and afterwards they disappeared. The reunion with the rapist and his wife and the arranged marriage made them disappear. I do not know why. And they want to get out but we prevent them because they are uncontrollable and could say or do bad things. They want to insult everyone.
We have to figure out how to get you to talk to them, but we're afraid they'll scare you. And we are ashamed of them. They behave very badly. Some are whores and hotties.
They also want to go out and see and talk and have time. They want time to take revenge and contact all those who betrayed us to insult them and tell them their 4 truths.
They don't want us to be wimps anymore. They also want the right to go out and yell at the bosses and employees and all the assholes on this fucking planet. They mean what we really think and the more we make concessions, the more we keep quiet and do everything to smooth things over. When I do that they yell at me.
Nobody likes these parts there. You won't like them either. They say a lot of bad words and they scream. What if you do like the other shrinks and you're scared? After that it will work more that you help us. How do we do it?
It is very hard to control them. The other angers that have already come out were careful that they say whatever they think out loud. We were in control. This one will be too hard they are stronger even more angry than those you have seen. The others were the nioniotte next door!
I don't know how we can do it. They must come.
They are the ones who know about adolescence, but if we let them talk, won't we lose control?
What if you and they get angry?
The parts that are afraid is because we don't want to be like that, that the others see us like that and take us for crazy. We always controlled who we showed outside.
And anger calls for anger if we get angry the people in front will also get angry and we will control more. And if people in front of them get angry afterwards, fearful parts will come. And we don't want to be either. We want to stay in control and be a good person.
And they are not good parts. They don't know how to stop, calm down and pretend. They for which they stop must be kicked out. That we lock them up to hear them no longer. If not they would have us killed.
But these are also parts that have helped not to go crazy. During the ceremonies in the sect they said bad words and that was funny! And while the guru was also speaking, during songs or prayers. It was also they who helped so that the people in the sect not stick to us too much at the table or when a young person wanted to be my lover (this big pig).
And it is they who speak and say to beware.
But they also speak badly of you and my sister. And my sister, she gets very cold when one comes. She doesn't like him. She doesn't like anger. With her it is still forbidden.
If we let them out are we going to be them and what are we going to do if they go out and they insult our daughters or if they insult at work or in the street? It would put us in danger and it could hurt ...
Hello
I need to be able to let these parts also speak so excuse me for what they say or say !!!
I really really really need to be able to let them out so that they calm down and face my life now!
You're welcome ! Remember that it is not at you that they are angry and that it is only parts of me that have had to endure and be silent for years.
Please grant me that right I can't hear them on my own anymore. I need you to help me listen to them and understand them.
With the other angry it worked what you did. Now they are better and so are we.
A lot of things are mixed up.
I think what brought out the anger was that I left too much room for the little cowards. And it is also the mixed feelings towards the job (to stay there or to leave).
The research side of mom and dad in my bosses seems to have disappeared because clearly they do not care and are egotistical like the others. Those are not saviors and seeing that the employees are idiots like the adults that I have known has reinforced that. Great anger at having hoped and being addicted and sentimental with them.
Parties are frustrated that they don't have goals for a future job. Some want to continue to understand TDI. The straw that broke over was to understand the sectarianism of the employees.
But as we can't agree on a decision they let the little cowards take the body so that we are less competent and that the boss relies less on us and proposes to us on his own to stop like that. It would not have been our decision but an imposed decision. And the system would have been at peace and we would have nothing to be ashamed of either in the system or towards the bosses.
But they don't !!!
Suddenly the other anger comes so that we move the ass and that things actually change. For a decision to be made.
Either we stay. Either we go.
And this is the big mess to show that we must share. That it can last longer like that! There are enough!
You see you let go of me.
You a liar!
Now is the time!
It’s just fucking cowards !!!
In addition they cling to you but you are useless since we can not talk to you when necessary!
What is it for then ???????
If we can't trust you when they want to whine and hide or when they are scared of being yelled at? Your or when they want to return to be screwed so as not to have to assume their kids and the homework or which thinks to return to live with the other?
Your or when they try to flee because it's just bitches?
What are you for?
Do you think chatting for 1 hour will solve all these problems? My ass !!!
She needs you all the time!
Your selfish quune!
And your shrink thing is just blah!
This is not the way to do it!
Even the most stupid bitch would understand!
That's all the time she needs! "
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