We dissociated people are "testers".
We spend our time observing our environment and testing its limits.
Having a relationship with us, whether it's friendship or family or during therapy, is not easy!
I am testing, we are testing our connection to each other constantly. We constantly test the opinions, actions and reactions of those around us.
This allows us to know the other, to classify him in the category of trustworthy person or not, to see if he understands how complex our mode of operation is and if he takes the trouble to try to understand, and, to see if our link is healthy ...
We can seek to know if the person opposite will take sides against us or impose his mode of operation on us. So we could know that this relationship would lead to some sort of hold or lead to nothing if the person wanted to stay "neutral" or sought to know the "other side" of the story by talking to our tormentors.
By talking about the domestic violence that I was experiencing, I could minimize or excuse the actions I was going through. It was a good way to find out if my interlocutor was reliable. If the person apologized, endorsed it was a sign to me that I would not find any help from him. If instead she contradicted me and used the right terms and prohibited the law on what I said to have lived, I knew that I could let go of my guard a little. Each of my parties is constantly testing my shrink to see if she is trying to have a hold relationship with me. Some parts will show her their gratitude, their love ... and we observe if she respects the limits or if she uses this weakness to control us.
We test if the rules and agreements are respected.
In therapy, we often put "conditions" on our progress or parties express their disagreement or the fact that we are not yet ready. For example, recently we did EMDR, parties came to tell my shrink that these sessions should be confined only to improving the present and not to address our traumas. Systematically parties have sought to break this rule to see if my therapist respected them and made us respect them by starting to tell about a trauma ... My therapist then reminded us of the past agreement and told us again that for the moment we were not ready to share our trauma. Regularly parts address my shrink and ask her how to move forward faster, to counter the parts that block ... We need her to remind us regularly that our parts are in the same body and that time 'one opposes and is ignored, what we seek to do will be countered. She explains to us the need to work together, to vote, to find agreements and compromises ...
My "sexualized" parts sought through facial expressions, attitudes or clothes worn to see if the men around me were perverts, if I should be wary of them or if, on the contrary, I was safe. In a skirt or tight-fitting outfit, an unfaithful or unhealthy man will look us up and down, make inappropriate remarks ... Now I am no longer careful not to have this involuntary attitude anymore because I understood that it put me in danger of revictimization.
We can provoke verbally. To see when we make you angry if this anger will blind you and cut our ties or if you still seek to understand and help us.
To see if you are willing to hear us and hear our pain and anger, we will try to let our parts carrying those feelings express them in front of you. If you show signs of fear when we are angry, we will assume that you cannot tolerate this feeling and that we cannot express it. If you are afraid when we talk about suicide, we will know that this subject is not for you to discuss. We test this because how can we tolerate as part of our thoughts and feelings feelings and urges that you yourself are not ready to hear? A suicidal or angry person needs above all to be heard, understood ... Moralization or prohibitions will never be used to appease these painful feelings! And if these two attitudes are rejected, then the person will be able to take action because they will not have found another way to express it ... People who attempt suicide seek to call for help , they don't want to die ...
Most of the time our angry or depressed parts will express themselves in an emphatic, extreme way. After years of refusal and silence, it is normal that they are in the overflow. The more you let us express ourselves freely without judgment, the more these parties will learn to balance their feelings and take our reality into account in its entirety.
Our opposing and seemingly hostile parties are very violent at first. They can try to scare you, threaten you ... Do not be afraid of them! These parts are the key to the success of our relationship! And this is particularly the case in therapy! If a party verbally attacks you or tries to provoke you, insults you ... Do not push it away! Reassure her, assure her of your understanding, of your empathy ... Tell her that you see her as a protector and that you need her help. Thank her for protecting us and being vigilant for us. Tell her that you will not do anything without her consent and that you understand that she needs to test you to know if she can trust you ... Ask her to come and participate in the discussions, to give her point of view ... I have a lot of parts that carry this role. Now with my shrink, some of these parties trust her and come and talk to her without being aggressive. At the beginning, they were, but by dint of calm, tolerance, dialogue ... they trusted my therapist. Now they are a great help in my daily life! I still have hostile parts that are not integrated. They come to therapy and glare at my shrink, but little by little their suspicion is diminishing.
I regularly test the bond with my sister or my friends. I constantly oscillate between emotional dependence and rejection and phobia of the bond. When I am in emotional demand, I need my sister to reassure me but above all to remind me of my abilities and my age, the fact that I am no longer a little baby and that I can bring myself love on my own. and the attention I need. A person who will be too present, who will not leave me any space will scare me. Someone who behaves like a mom to me will make me feel in danger. So even if we are sending you mixed signals, keep in mind that we have TWO needs within us: to know that we are worthy of affection, love, listening, attention but also that we are independent, autonomous. , capable and strong. Help us find the right balance to have in a relationship.
We can also test if you will try to divide our parts or if on the contrary you help us to understand and unify us. My sister has understood by now that when one part is speaking to her, it does not necessarily mean that all of my parts agree with what I am saying or feel the same way. When we speak, try to be as neutral as possible. Say you understand our point of view but maybe other parties experience things differently ... Help us question ourselves and question ourselves. If you express your solidarity without considering the fact that other parts exist in us and do not have the same goal of survival and safeguarding, you will unwittingly plunge us into internal conflicts.
Do not take our provocations or our tests literally. Often it is to see if we can trust you and if you are going to abandon us that we do this. If an angry party sends you an unpleasant text, don't fall into the trap of responding aggressively. Just tell us that you received it, that you understand and give us and you a little time to talk about it again. This will defuse the conflict and allow everyone to take a step back ... My sister responds with a little heart emoji, then later we talk about it and she helps me understand why I felt in danger and my protections have reactivated ...
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