Before reading this post, read the post "Therapeutic link" of 06/02/2021 to understand.
I wrote this text on 04/02/2021 therefore before the explanatory article "therapeutic link". I haven't published it. I was angry. I was unable to take a step back and separate the different reasons for my anger and my pain.
I wrote it before I was able to recognize my wrongs in the conflict between my therapist and me. Before being able to think, analyze and take a step back as I did in the article "therapeutic link".
That's living with a DID. To be dozens or hundreds of people in the same body. Most of the time, we "fight", we disagree. We are overwhelmed not only by thoughts but also by physical reactions to the emotions we are experiencing. These emotions are often diametrically opposed. We can feel anger with the heart that pounding, the muscles that bind and the second after having suicidal thoughts then a minute after wanting to sleep so much that it is difficult to keep your eyes open ... It is our daily life that is like this, our whole life. A permanent fight.
We have a lot of trouble understanding each other, knowing who we are, what we feel, what we want and what we have to do ... It's very scary, exhausting both morally and physically!
We don't recognize each other. Very often, we no longer know what we did or said the minute before. We have amnesia. We were there, we felt and thought something and then we "disappear". Then we "come back" and we don't know what happened just before, we are missing minutes, hours, days ... We are afraid, we are angry, we are lost and frustrated.
And at the same time, regularly, we have moments of lucidity. Like when I wrote the article on the "therapeutic link" where everything becomes clear and takes on meaning. Misunderstandings, conflicts ... everything calms down and we finally know what we are feeling, what we are thinking ... We see things in a global, lucid way. We see that there is a future, a goal. Our life is no longer chaos and fog. We feel calm, hope, joy, peace. The screaming and disorderly thoughts cease. We find a unit, we know who we are. We are one and only one. We're Leelah. We distinguish past and present. We know what an adult we are today.
Here is what I wrote 3 days ago:
I have been hesitating for a while now. I hesitate between writing an email, putting the entire site on standby, putting the person in question out of my contacts ...
I am at the same time in rage, desperate, I do not feel anything any more then I feel everything much too strong and it is unbearable!
How to make him understand ? How to understand us again? We were like held by a thread to each other. I was moving, she was moving. She said the right words, I revealed ... Finally I had found someone who understood.
It all seems to have shattered.
The link that united us is broken and I do not know how to do, what to do ...
Everything inside has reactivated.
And I am lost. I can't go back. Too many things have evolved inside, my parts, my system no longer works as before.
I want to put the site to sleep so that it can measure how upset we are but if I do it wouldn't be good for the people reading it.
I don't want to see her anymore but if I do, I would be alone with all my other selves and it would be catastrophic for us.
Continue to see her? But how ? Forgetting ? By concealing our conflict? I can't do this anymore! Before yes I could. I just had to forget and the relationship stayed the same. Nothing had happened. Now I can't. Now there are too many parts to know, too many parts to remember. We can no longer pretend.
I do not understand. I do not understand. It's as if we were from the same planet before and for once, I had to deal with someone who understood me intuitively. I didn't have to explain for hours and hours. She understood. Often she also helped me understand things that I had not seen, she helped me connect my parts to each other.
There it is as if suddenly she had moved. She lives on another planet and we don't understand each other anymore.
The event that caused things to go wrong is also what allowed me to trust him. Without it, I wouldn't have opened the door a crack, I wouldn't have let her into my world. She would not have known my other selves, could not have spoken with them. I wouldn't be there today and it wouldn't be today. My parts would continue to hide.
The event that caused things to go wrong is also what allowed me to trust him. Without it, I wouldn't have opened the door a crack, I wouldn't have let her into my world. She would not have known my other selves, could not have spoken with them. I wouldn't be there today and it wouldn't be today. My parts would continue to hide.
And we were on the same wavelength: we must explain, we must inform, we must say. More people need to understand. And the event that divided us goes against that. Against what we were talking about as projects. So how do you continue if at any time she can turn around?
If I can no longer question, exchange, learn because it goes beyond the official and normal framework of the link that unites us. How can I keep moving forward? How can I continue to understand myself if I can't ask any more questions? Every time I want to ask him a question, this event will remain between us ... Do I have the right to ask him the question? Or is it out of the box?
What is an official framework? The frame where you look down on the person and you say to him "I know and it is only me who must know"? Is this our relationship?
In the sect the fact that nothing belonged to anyone and everything to everyone was difficult. Having nothing to yourself is difficult! It is even very painful for a child!
I suffered a lot from having nothing of my own. Having to constantly share everything and constantly having to leave things for others when moving. I moved around a lot and the few gifts, things that were given to me were treasures, like precious stones that I would have been given. I didn't have many. I must have left a lot. But I still have some that I kept preciously. I was given something. They loved me. It was a proof of love for me. Proof that I counted.
And it was even more so when this gift was really a gift, a gift without sex exchange, a true gift from the heart. A gift that made me feel that the person was not trying to use me, to exploit me. A free gift. A gift that made me feel stronger and not a gift like I was given to buy my body or in payment for the rapes and violence that had been done to me.
There were the gifts that bought silence. The gifts to apologize for having raped and to have a "good" conscience despite everything, the gifts that we were not allowed to keep and that we had to share with others and there were very rare gifts, I count them on the fingers of one hand, the ones that were given just to say "you matter to me".
In the sect, gifts had to be done by oneself. It was forbidden to buy them. A gift, giving something was therefore precious. We did it with the person in mind. Giving something meant a lot. We made it with what we found. I liked it.
When someone gives me something, I think about the different kinds of gifts. In which box should I put it? It took me a long time not to be suspicious. I trusted. She gave a gift and then took it back. Now if I try to put it in this list, I would put it in the "gift to buy silence" box. A gift that wasn't, a gift taken back, and a request for silence.
In the sect I also liked the fact that each donation, each person if they had something to offer, a skill, a quality, did it for the good of all. She gave to make others grow, to help, for good. This gift, this quality was shared. I also liked that. To be greater than yourself, to offer yourself to others. I found it noble and beautiful. A person who knew how to sew, she taught others. A person who knew how to play an instrument, she taught it ... Nothing was kept selfishly. Knowledge, skills were also for everyone.
Suddenly it is very difficult for me to understand that a person who knows things does not share it. Or change her mind and decide to keep everything to herself.
I did training a few years ago. I shared this training widely with all the people I met who were interested. And for so long I had devoted hours and hours of work (years) to it, spent money to pay for it. But I gave it my all. Absolutely everything. I thought it might help. And if that could help, it shouldn't be kept. It's my point of view. I thought this point of view was shared.
I grew up in an environment where everything was siled. The "privileged", those who know, have the knowledge, who have the power, and the rest. And I don't want to live in that kind of environment anymore. I don't want any more silos. I no longer want people who have the knowledge or the ability to acquire it and the others who will always be left in the dark struggling. I consider ignorance that gives power over the other. I see it as not understanding that allows unhealthy people to dominate. From the moment nothing is hidden, injustice, violence ... nothing can happen without at some point it being put to an end. Wanting to perpetuate this system of privileged people who have knowledge and therefore power is wanting to dominate.
And I don't want to be dominated anymore. I'm free.
I am also angry that she does not understand the scope of her actions. How difficult it is for us. I take it as a slap at her repeated, looping responses to the event as I tell her about inner suffering. His indifference when my parties come to tell him how difficult it is to manage conflicts now and how this event has upset us. I speak of suffering, I cry and she answers "my ..., my .., my ...". Wahooo but what a slap! And should I trust someone like this? Trust a person who cares more about his property, his thing, his thing than a person who struggles and suffers to keep control over his life, his work, his daily life? Be more concerned with "property" than another suffering human being?
But how can I be trusted? How could I still?
This indifference is astounding and hallucinating. I feel like I'm facing someone else. A stranger. I no longer recognize her.
We were as if connected. Sometimes I felt or heard I would tell her and together we would explore and end up understanding and moving on. Sometimes she questioned and I realized that somewhere deep inside me, a part felt this and little by little the horizon lit up ... But how could we continue to do it now? Since there, today she is not even able to realize that her words hurt me? She doesn't hear how upset I am about what's between us, how it's been done and said and how she continues to justify it.
I feel like the more she talks the worse it goes inside.
And it was important, very important for me to have this point of balance between us. A give and take. A precious and primordial balance that makes me not feel inferior to her or indebted for life. I gave her things and she gave me things. There she resumed. And his silence in the face of my questions about balance and what each brings to the relationship makes me understand that in fact we do not see things the same way. I am inferior to him. She has the power. Not me.
I thought that making the effort I was making to show myself whole, showing myself with all my flaws and weaknesses, showing myself vulnerable even if sometimes it took a superhuman effort of me counted. I thought I was giving too, going against all my gut feelings. I considered our exchange to be on two levels. The normal relationship between us and another exchange: I who shows, who makes explicit and she who explains, who puts into words.