July 1st is a day without for me. It has been that way for several years. I don't really know if this has always been the case or not. But it's a day without.
Me, the adult Leelah, I don't really live this day. It has been like this for years.
Yesterday morning I just remember getting up and having breakfast at 6 a.m. Little by little I felt the sadness and the despair, the pain also come over me. After that I have no more memories. I don't know what I did until noon. I was not there. Time has stopped. Did I sleep, did I do something? I've no idea.
I felt overwhelming fatigue invade my body and a painful despair in every fiber of my body. After, I do not know. I disappeared.
At noon a friend came and we went to the restaurant. I attended the meal but as if I was far far away, at the end of a tunnel and someone was talking and eating in front of it. Someone cried and spoke. I have heard people talking but I don't really know who.
After again I disappeared.
Then again I was in the tunnel. I saw images, landscapes around it scrolling. I am in a car. I'm a little more in front but it's not really me in front. My body hurts. I am very sad. I am suffering. It is painful to have this sadness that suffocates, it prevents breathing, it oppresses the chest. Every breath is painful.
The man in the car is talking. I hear him talking because it makes a noise. Like a bee buzzing. But I don't understand what he's saying. My eyes are fixed on something, the landscape passing by but I can't really look at it.
I am suffering. I am in pain ! In the head it cries. Big sobs. Howls of rage. Dark thoughts. There is only that. Nothing else exists. What goes around does not exist. What's going on inside is the only thing there is, the only real thing, the only tangible thing.
The man next door speaks louder: "Oh! Are you listening to me? Did you go to the moon there or what?".
Reality exists again. I hear what he's saying. I answer him. Responding to him takes a lot of energy. We must not leave behind! Everything must not evaporate. I do not want to leave. When I leave, I suffer.
We are going for a walk. I hold on. I look at the flowers, the water, the branches of the trees. It struggles !!!
Another wants the place. I do not want !! Pity !!
Again everything becomes foggy, distant ...
The man next to me is still talking to me, we are walking but everything seems nonexistent to me, false as in a dream. The man is buzzing but I don't understand anymore.
Dark thoughts: "If I jump in the water now it will be over, I will not suffer any more. Cars over there ... If I run suddenly it will be over. I will feel more. I will hurt more. It hurts too much. I can't stand the pain anymore. I want to die. " My eyes are looking for a way ...
"I'm all alone. No one. There is no one. No one sees us. No one hears us. No one knows. I'm all alone. Y abandoned us. Why did he abandon us. I want to go with him. No one is nobody. ! ".
Time was suspended or on the contrary very fast because I do not really know what was done today.
And I woke up this morning and was there. Good. I was able to work all day. No haze. No suicidal thoughts. No anger. No desperation. No tunnel. Full of energy.
I was there, I was me, the mature Leelah with skills and who knows her job and does it well.
Yesterday I don't know who I was. Yesterday did not exist. Yesterday is a bad day.
Yesterday it wasn't me and I don't know who it was.
Yesterday does not exist.
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