I took some time yesterday to digest and reflect. A new breakthrough, a new thing has just happened in my system. I don't know yet if I will be able to reproduce it but I think I have just made a big leap!
I was at home in my apartment with my daughters and suddenly I had a lot of sharing of my games.
Sharing this can be a lot:
- share a memory (good or bad),
- share a point of view, thoughts, a way of being and of seeing things (with cohesion and agreement or without and in this case, it is very painful),
- share skills or knowledge (at work for example),
- share feelings, emotions (positive or negative) ...
It took me a long time to understand that sharing could be negative (with suffering and pain) but ALSO positive (sharing a moment of happiness in the present and laughing with a party ...).
Last summer I went to an amusement park with my daughters. It was a time when I was trying to bring in my lost parts of my trauma so that they could see that my present was different and beautiful.
I did an attraction where I was in a gondola that was spinning smoothly and where I saw a beautiful landscape around. Small parts came to see through my eyes, it was a wonderful, magical moment… I cried, I laughed, I observed all around… It was as if suddenly these small parts of me discovered a world not made of pain, terror and darkness as they were used to it but a magnificent world, joyful, poetic, soft… The rays of the sun came on my face, the world was spinning and I saw this landscape all around… I felt an immense peace then a great gratitude… and hope… It was a very beautiful moment of positive sharing!
I then tried to continue these moments of positive sharing but it is a great daily battle!
Some parties are opposed to it because they have understood that the better I will be anchored in the present, the more all my parts will be able to find their way there and the more I will be able to face my traumas. Their role in my system is to prevent me from remembering and saying what I have experienced because by having tried to do so, they have failed, they do everything to oppose it and believe they are protecting me and saving me by doing that. The famous "window of tolerance" and "integrative capacity" that shrinks talk about ...
For a year now, my control parts have been trying to step back and be in control of my system a little less. They continue to orient, direct, but they also let us wander and decide. They take longer to explain their decisions to us and I have to understand their motivations for myself (well we have to question ourselves and understand). They do the same with my shrink. Before, they would come and talk to him. They explained their choices and goals aside, which really helped my therapist understand and help me understand what I was going through.
For many months now, they have been silent and withdrawn. They only come to speak to him if it is absolutely necessary and in a very succinct manner.
My parts must learn to question themselves, to question themselves, to put themselves in the shoes of the other parts, to experiment, to test, to find solutions and compromises… What made it possible that a large group of parts collaborate now.
But there remains the difficult question of traumatic sharing.
Before I was diagnosed with TDI, my life was all about switches. I was pain, terror, anguish. I was functional, mom, work, paper. One or the other. When I was pain, terror and anguish, the real world around did not exist. Only my bodily thoughts and feelings were existing. The world around was a dream, plunged into an unreal haze. My inner world was more present, more real than the outer world at that precise moment of the switch, my body and my brain were on fire.
Then I became "me" again, an adult and I had the vague feelings of having suffered the minute before but without knowing why. And I didn't want to question myself. It was as if the previous minute of suffering was a vague nightmare, a snatch fading away from me. The world around was becoming real again, everything was fine.
Then I had this diagnosis of TDI and I started to understand and be aware of my switches. And that was the horror! Not a day without suffering, terror, anguish. And I was running in waves. Suddenly I wanted to know, understand, become aware, move forward, free myself… Suddenly I couldn't stand being caught in this burning fire and I wanted to go back to the previous operating mode, see nothing, no longer anything to know, to flee, to escape ...
To stop this leak and this denial, it was necessary to do "forced sharing".
My parts which usually saw only my present (my PANs) or those which only had to do with the "nice" sides of my aggressors (my EP loyal to the aggressors) or those whose function is that I do not feel any suffering (those that freeze my feelings or those that allow me to escape in the dream) have been forced to relive and feel the pain carried by my other parts. It was excruciating, unbearable! A dive into hell!
It was necessary for them to understand that it was true (it had happened to us), that parts were in pain (and that we only have one body so no other way to solve the problem), and that 'we had to get along and collaborate.
But now this poses a big problem: I'm afraid of sharing trauma!
So I procrastinate ... How to share but not suffer, not feel ...?
This "forced" sharing is not a deliberate and conscious choice, the sharing is therefore painful and not wanted or decided by the parties who undergo it. They therefore fight it instead of letting it flow over me and accept it as an experience that is part of the past. It is very painful and these parts are very angry after ...
So the day before yesterday, I think I jumped.
For several hours, my cowardly parts were there, in front of the stage, at the controls. I was pain, I was terror, I was anguish. I was afraid, I was lost ...
Then other parties started talking: "We're not going to spend the day like that! I want to read a book, we have to cook! I don't want us to go to sleep for long. hours! I don't want to go through this all day! I don't agree! Come on, we have to stop this! ".
I have a part whose function is that I do not feel anything, it was present during the deliveries of my daughters. I remember she came when the pain was unbearable (I gave birth naturally without an epidural) and helped me get through that moment. I think she was the one who spoke the day before yesterday.
Suddenly there was no more terror, pain or anguish.
And I heard, "Look around, see where we are? It's your apartment with your daughters. You're an adult now, we're safe!" I turned my head and looked around and a great sense of relief came over me.
I think I finally managed to consciously stop a switch. It’s the first time I’m doing it! Until now, my controls have been doing it for me. When it was time for me to go to work or take care of my daughters or for any task of my daily life, they would intervene and I would find my skills and the world around would become real, tangible, present again.
There, I succeeded, WE managed to decide it ourselves and the suffering parties remained present to make it happen!
It's a hell of a victory !!
I realize that I have control over what I want or not to feel and experience ... I can CHOOSE what I want or not to feel ...
My part which freezes the feelings has perhaps found a new way of functioning, a new more adapted role in my system… To allow us to alleviate the sufferings of each part by measuring what we can support and by stopping the feelings of the parts suffering so that they can realize that my universe has changed, that I no longer suffer and that I am safe ...
I can no longer be passive and suffer… I can put an end to it!
To see it I succeeded again ...
To be continued in the next episode !
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