The triggers for my lifting of amnesia:
First of all it was the age of my daughters and my miscarriages. An incomprehensible but uncontrollable need to escape. I was in a frantic search for flight, to find a way to escape the sect and the guru but without really understanding why, nor understanding that it was them that I was seeking to flee. I frantically began to search for a solution to leave the place where I was two years and two months after my two daughters. At the two passages of this age of my daughters, I had a feeling of imminent death, thoughts of suicide, I would die if I stayed, I had to leave. It was a matter of life and death.
Then the suicide of my brother who was very violent to take. And taking a distance from my ex-husband and the guru and his wife. The start of the process for my divorce. My flight and my successive moves to escape them.
Then the death of my father and then that of my grandmother. Two people I turned to for help and who refused to help me and told me to be silent. Their death freed the word in me.
My psychology journey:
The very first person I turned to was a friend who was connected with the cult. She advised me to turn to my attending physician who was naturopath and homeopath. She was quite "special" (and has since been removed from the medical order). She sent me to see a woman who read the lines of the hand and predict the future by reading the astrological signs. Then a couple of friends urged me to start a psychological follow-up with a Freudian psychiatrist. I saw him for 3 months. And I made my suicide attempt. He was no help.
Then I saw a female psychologist who helped her, but I was in a dire financial situation and had to stop my follow-up.
I resumed my follow-up with a Freudian psychiatrist for 1 year. Catastrophic too.
I moved and again undertook a follow-up with a Freudian psychiatrist. It was there that I started to finally become an actress in my recovery and to really look for someone who could really help me.
I almost always looked for a follow-up made by men because I think I was looking for a similar bond to the one I had with the guru during the "confession" sessions with him. I reproduced the same diagram. Then I began to understand that the choice of a shrink could be my responsibility, that I had the right to stop this follow-up (I had stopped the follow-up each time because I moved), that some psychs are good and some not. I had the right to look for someone who could understand me, to help me, someone who would benefit me. I tried, I saw a lot of charlatans.
I searched for a long time. Unconsciously, my parties were looking for someone capable of understanding my dualities, my internal conflicts. A person able to help me without leading me, without dominating me. I was looking for someone who would treat me as their equal and not as an inferior patient. I tested to see if my therapists could understand my self-destructive parts or if they judged them negatively, if they understood the role of my control parts and if they trusted us. We were testing to see if they took advantage of my vulnerability when my small parts were present ... I was looking for someone who could explain to me who I was and what I was going through but leaving me free to understand, d 'learn without imposing anything, which would maintain the link if I backtracked ...
My realization that I needed help:
I was very often depressed, I could not end my divorce and the harassment of my ex husband and his family. I linked the situations of harassment and violence at work and in my romantic or friendly ties.
I thought I had a problem, my whole life was in failure, I was coming out of one violent situation and into another. I wanted someone to help me understand why I was reproducing patterns over and over again and never managed to get out of them. And I was tired of running away all the time in order to escape this violence. I wanted to be able to land somewhere and finally build lasting bonds, stop having to always start from scratch in my life in general and my links to others.
My goals achieved in therapy for the moment:
I am much less depressed and have not had to take anti depressants for almost 2 years. I am able to accept my emotions and feelings much better and my different "phases" are much shorter. Before, I could be affected by a difficult event in my life for several weeks. Now I "bounce back" in 2 or 3 days, sometimes even in a single day. I manage much better the difficulties of life. My "ups and downs" are much smaller and deeper.
The harassment of my ex-husband stopped as well as that of the sect. I now know how to protect myself and react appropriately so as not to be "touched" and vulnerable when I interact with him. My official steps are finished concerning him and a "legal framework" "protects" me as well as my daughters.
I finally agreed to hear and listen to my thoughts and feelings, I feel less crazy, I understand myself a lot better, so everything is a lot less scary and difficult to go through.
I learned to put distance in my relationships and to be less in the dependence and the fusion in this one. I have a circle of relatives who are really present and on whom I can count. And I did a lot of "cleaning" in my links to others. I try less to convince and explain to others. I am better able to detach myself from the judgment of others and I assume much better who I am, my strengths and my weaknesses.
I listen to myself a lot and I manage much better to rest when I need it, to ask for help, to be vulnerable because I have 4 people around me who are able to support me in this case without that I feel in danger.
I managed to take my financial independence and have a place or live for which I do not depend on anyone except me. So I no longer feel in constant danger. I know I have a place to fall back.
I have found a job in which I can be vulnerable. My boss knows my TDI and agrees to support me and arrange my schedule. So I have a little less conflict to assume my adult role.
I am in a relationship but I keep my independence, I learn day after day to love without suffering violence.
I don't have a lot of real friendships anymore. For the moment I am still too afraid of finding myself too dependent or in situations of harassment or violence ... I keep links with certain people but I see them very little. I am very afraid of confiding too much and falling back into my old patterns and I prefer to keep the link only from afar.
Before I was very much in the almost total fusion with my friends, generally one at a time until the clash then another took over. The clash often happened when they tried to "save" me from a situation and sought to impose actions on me without understanding my TDI. This created enormous internal conflicts and these people could no longer bear my flashbacks, my hesitations and ended up blaming me for my experience and making me feel guilty.
My future expectations in my therapy:
Continue to understand me better of course! Continue to understand the role of each of my dissociative parts until reaching total cohesion, interior harmony. Smooth out my feelings and actions, manage to no longer be torn and in conflict in my daily life.
Continue to integrate and assimilate my experience, my traumas and suffer less. Appease my different dissociative parts and allow them to feel peace and happiness in my present. To be less in a vision and perception of the world in black and white. Being able to be me all the time. Me, the mom, me, the working woman, me the idealistic woman, me the strong woman, me the vulnerable woman, me the lonely, me the sociable, me the funny, me the serious ... I feel and think is completely decided, categorical and one-dimensional ...
I no longer want to suffer excruciatingly at the slightest trigger, I want to differentiate my past and my present and be able to see the world and the human being in its entirety and its complexity.
I want to be able to work without my past impacting my work. I want to be able to take care of my daughters without feeling detachment and denial of their presence.
I want to be in a relationship without plunging back into my traumas. I want healthy and balanced relationships around me.
We work on all these goals week after week with my shrink. That takes time. My victories are a real roller-coaster ride. But overall my life, my daily life has radically changed for the better! My full recovery will still take a long time, but I'm on my way!
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