Today I offer you a little game .... You know the game "Who is this?" ?
Here are the emails I had with my shrink and my sister during the month of May 2020. Several parties are expressed ... Can you recognize them? By reading the text, will you be able to see if it is an adult part well oriented in time, a child part or a part which has a truncated and narrowed vision on my reality ...? Trying to perceive the differences in the choice of words, spelling, syntax ... Recognizing the presence of dissociative parts can be easier in this way sometimes ... Be curious!
Do you see the "mom" parts, the "small" parts, the "angry" parts, the "cowardly" parts, the "teen" parts, the "in a hurry" parts, the "observers or controls" parts? Do you see my parts well oriented in the present and those on the contrary having a single mode of thought?
"Hello !
My boss called. I did not answer.
I have to call her back but I don't know what to say to her.
I can't decide and if I don't I will still suffer and it will be chaos ...
I would like you to decide. Can you decide?
Can you tell me what to do?
We want to share and move forward.
We can't decide our future. To be able to do this, it must be integrated into the system.
We have to be less. Not to make them disappear but to integrate their experience and analysis.
We want to be less in order to function better.
Some are ok.
Continue to experience sharing in many different ways.
When we make the site we share a lot and these days here at home we also share a lot. But it is sharing that we test by stopping, resuming by dosing .... we get better and better. We want to continue!
It's not like before! Before, we wanted to stop but there was fighting.
There we want to stop but to focus on our cohesion and no longer have to make forced switches. At work we have to make forced switches to remain sufficiently "normal" and that the TDI is not visible.
We want the controls to no longer have this responsibility but to get used to taking it together by mutual agreement ...
We need your agreement to tell the boss.
We need because you gave gifts and we owe you something and we didn't give you anything back.
Don't you get mad if we do this?
Will you not be happy and you will talk to us more?
If you don't agree, we won't.
I understand and we don't want it to happen like that either.
But what makes me believe that it is a good decision is the impression that cowards are put forward for this task so that they change their role in the system.
I believe that these are the best parties to bring us together because they have an incredible ability to put themselves in the shoes of others to listen to them and understand them and suddenly be able to explain and argue when making decisions. ...
I think a lot of roles are changing right now ...
And the rude ones to support them and to force them to remain unincorporated, but also to shake them up and help make a decision. ..
I think that's what's happening. Find a more suitable role by using the qualities and strength of each part ... with the aim and objective that in September we have enough cohesion to have a goal: to find a job more suited to the wishes of all and / or studies for a job we like ...
Have gained enough confidence that the sharing is going well, that we survive it, have experienced enough in security to know that we can continue to do it and work at the same time. Having the possibility to "crack" without fighting conflicts of loyalty and "having to" be strong and continue to hold a job ...
I think that as with all my advances we will find a way to make sharing bearable and manageable in everyday life, but since we do not know and we are afraid of what it will do we push back for fear of not holding on. We just need a safe time and a certain latitude ...
It's complicated tonight !!
The bosses made me a head 3 feet long for 2 days.
Not given the papers for my departure. No goodbye nothing ....
And the employees have spoken a lot today.
and I made these leaps all day ... with the added bonus of a part all honey who made friends with the woman and gave my phone number so that we meet again ... I swear to you parties are shit !!!
Some parties were stressed to leave on "bad terms" suddenly they wanted to leave while being appreciated by the employees ... suddenly I was in charm mode all afternoon, almost flirting with the guys and a great friend with the nana.
It was hell!
I saw the trick. I heard screaming: shut up! be clear! say no ... but in fashion little girl in need of affection who wants to be loved and find a friend -mom and ... do nothing control...
And blah ... and I still learned some good ones!
What a shitty religion !!!! How can a woman accept that?
Pfff I went up against these parts !!! And angry with everyone!
I can't wait to be clear with my thoughts! And to be and to say a clear message!
They tell me about their lives which for many is not easy ... they tell me about their situation ...
So I dive in mode I listen to you I want to help you I want to save you .... I love you I love everyone I am a good person I hear your suffering and I sympathize ...
Then they say blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah made aberrations
And there angry war mode ...
And no we can't because if we criticize they will hate us ...
And the clash of the titans inside. ...
I can no longer think ...
Are they good? Bad?
Should I respect them? Criticize them?
I don't know anymore and it's crying ...
I am angry with my team but also the outside world. ..
Hello!
Parts are afraid. I hear them. They say so.
I think they want everyone to share. They don't want secrecy. They want everyone to accept that we do it. I hear them argue.
A majority in any case except certain loyal ones. Because they are not ready and who want to speak to justice. Because it would be too soon. Sharing everything will take time.
A protective part will help us and the one that freezes the feelings too. To come back and remember that it's over that we're safe. The protector with her coat to feel peace and love. And the other to calm the heart and the stomach. Will you help us call them?
Will I call you later?
Some are afraid of sharing
Hello!
Yesterday afternoon I heard a lot of crying.
And before parties worried about sharing and others trying to reassure them and show them their new role and how they can help (the protector with her "coat" which sends a feeling of calm and peace and warmth in the body . I think we have found how to generate endorphin. Fighters who make us feel our strength and our power. And the one which freezes the feelings) and thus show that sharing can be controlled.
Then now I have very present dreamers. Who make sure that we wait for the meeting with you and make those who want to test the sharing wait patient because there are steps before. Leave the possibility of expressing themselves to those who still doubt.
But I don't feel very well. Want to vomit. Guilt. Despair. And falling asleep. I have a little trouble understanding why. And to stay in the here and now.
It sucked today.
It didn't go the way I wanted. I'm fed up with palavers and having the same things repeated to you 100 times! You too must be fed up!
Throw us in the toilet. We don't deserve more.
Hello
Can you reassure me?
It's normal what's happening here isn't it?
I believe these new parts are an asset for me. I am starting to take a lot of distance to have a more complete analysis of things.
And I like it.
I start to see things that I refused to see.
For example, I see that people who fight child crime and others are very impulsive and I don't like that. I believe their hatred is not good. And that's not the path I want to take.
At the moment they are scattered all over the place. They go after the founder of an association which "helps pedophiles". I'm going to see. It is to vomit. But I think he's an insignificant person. An association that has existed for a long time. And there all of a sudden they activate the hatred of others and their relentlessness. I do not like it.
I think it's by remaining constant, straight that we will make things happen.
I see people better on the good side and the less good side.
Some parts are sad because they lose their simplicity of analysis.
But suddenly I fight less inside and that makes me more aware of what is important: inner cohesion.
If not, I will be like them. Full of hate. And I don't want to.
I take a step back after my fight in justice and in society.
I think this is a good thing because what I was hoping for was very utopian.
I'm not saying that I won't do anything but that if I do I want to be upright and able to discern what is worth fighting for and what is not. And not to make it a once in a lifetime struggle. I want to find other things around that are worth it.
I move forward I feel it. I don't think this is a step backwards. Because their coming has nothing to do with the fights I fought before. I am well. My girl. We saved her. She did not live what we experienced and that's a hell of a victory!
Hello
They agreed to go for a walk.
I went alone near my house. I didn't meet anyone at the beginning. I was good. Then I ran into a fisherman at a detour which surprised me and some parts got activated. They reflected leaks and fights if he attacked. Then we tried to calm down. He was a young teenager. We're safe. ... then I kept walking and part came. She felt like she was being followed. I turned around and have the heart that made a good one. I thought for a minute that a big black dog was jumping on me ....
It was my shadow
Pfff .... suddenly after everyone was upset we had to come back ....
And there I hear that moan and are angry that we went out and put ourselves in danger ...
I'm not writing to you because it's going really well these days. Lots of sharing good times (walk outside, drawing, dialogues and encouragement ...)
All occasions are good to explain inside the good things of cooperation, sharing .... it negotiates dry
I feel whole at peace, calm and good!
And I feel that many are there and are taking advantage of the present.
And don't want to share that on the site.
And I'm happy with the presence of these new angry parts that help me see things more holistically and not sink into depression realizing the stupidity of these people.
I am really at peace and happy to feel all these complementary emotions! It's crazy how much better and more whole I feel! I feel like I finally have all the pieces of the puzzle coming together to give me a complete picture ....
I am at the same time angry, sad, understanding, tolerant and determined, I take a step back, I perceive the faults and the paths that I do not want to take ... and I can see the envy of hope to continue my journey, to fight but to seek positive things, positive people ....
And what peace inside!
I feel we are so complementary and strong!
I can't wait for us to be truly united and in constant dialogue ... how good it is!
Can't wait to share everything so as not to suffer physically and emotionally.
What a difference compared to a few months ago!
We are very grateful to you!
Hello again! There is some cool stuff going on right now!
Small examples:
I do papers for the company and small parts feel that some are saturated. We put "it takes a little to be happy" from the film Mowgli. And I laugh all alone because this part knows all the lyrics by heart and I don't think I've seen it for ... 15 years at least!
Today you saw him a lot of anger but it remains manageable. I am not saturated with the feelings of just one part. I also feel the presence of others and we go out (already 3 times today) we put on cartoon music that the little ones love.
I did a drawing this weekend.
While going out earlier, a little one shared her fear of snakes with us.
The big ones accept that the little ones have time in the present and do it wholeheartedly, appreciating their freshness and the fun side of the thing. No anger or shame ...
I hear proposals all day. They come to claim their good time in the present and they help those who have difficulties.
I feel really good! Whole!
They are constantly sharing positive or more difficult but I feel that it struggles less !!!
Hello
Seeing all the conflicts and hatred between associations and those who fight against pedocriminalites distresses me. Seeing one lodge a defamation complaint frightens me and awakens my parties who are afraid of being sued and those who are afraid of internal and external conflicts.
It upsets me.
Parts have felt that some are not healthy.
We are in conflict. Some parties no longer want to receive the news but others want us to keep it to be informed.
We would like to be protected and to be informed.
We would like to understand and see, but it is too dark and unbearable.
Yesterday I went to see my former boss, I had the right to a 20-minute speech on "the lazy people who touch unemployment when there is plenty of demand and job offers" that she does not will listen more in the future to "people who complain about their precarious financial situation" and "that she will do nothing more to help them". It was clearly to me that she was saying that. I managed to say nothing and leave without confiding and lying down but I felt a lot of anger against her. And internal conflicts.
Hello, the new parties who speak to you by messages, we want them to come and talk to you at the office. And if they are not ready they just have to do it by email as we did at the beginning that we did not want to speak to you directly!
We refuse that they continue to waste our time. With skype there are always problems and it doesn't work well.
If they want to speak, they have the possibility.
No more skype sessions!
We have to do more skype if not we will never manage to find the complicity and the confidence. For that you have to come and see you.
And without complicity and trust we cannot remain the painful sharing!
And we want to do it!
There are enough of these selfish people who think only of themselves! And see that the little end of their nose!
We have made enough progress! It is time that they accept the functioning of the group and that they cooperate!
My moms parts will protect my daughter and defend her if necessary. But some parties are afraid of losing my sister and our beautiful bond because of it. This is more of the problem as an internal conflict. Whatever her choices, all I want is to succeed in guiding her towards self-respect, self-confidence and that she is fulfilled! She's not like me. I left her free. She is much stronger than me, does not conform to the dictates of society. I am very proud of it!
I don't give a damn about the rules and prohibitions of mystical and destructive religions-sects! Happiness and peace if we find them with a person at their side to share them, so I say banco! It's quite difficult and rare like that to add stupid rules! And I have great difficulty in granting the inculcated precepts of tolerance towards one's neighbor, respect, and love and this hatred that they had. There is an inconsistency ...
Everything mixes what I have been able to live, my prohibitions, my taboos, my hopes and who is my daughter, her choices, her experience, the hopes or fears that I may have and how to be a "good guide" for it.
Isn't that bad?
She would have the right not to have children and I wanted that! I didn't want to have any because this world is horrible and monstrous! I'm cowardly and couldn't say no but I didn't want it. She will not have to suffer and bear the guilt of having given life to defenseless beings that cannot be protected.
She wouldn't have to go through this torture of helplessness!
But she would deprive herself of feeling this love so special and strong that I felt when I had them. A link that nothing can cut. You can love and divorce, but being a mother is forever. And it's so strong! But it is precisely this atrocious bond that takes the guts and the food! Because our children are our guts but they are free and they make their choices and when we get angry with them they like monstrous people it hurts so much! And we are linked to them we cannot draw a line and forget.
If she has no children that means that the cycle will stop there, the suffering will stop for her. And it's good. And I am sad because I will have failed to transform this cycle of violence and hate. I blame him for this freedom of choice which I did not have. I am jealous.
Jealous that she was protected and not me. And relieved and proud to have protected her from it all.
I'm telling you about all of this because I think it can help my parts understand each other better and move forward. It's just that it allows us to enter into dialogue with certain parties and better understand me ...
And I want to sometimes have discussed this topic with her and said exactly what she wanted to hear. To be so cowardly. To have this emotional dependence on her and all that this internally implies of hopes and fears.
I blame him for not giving me this choice, this freedom.
You say nothing to the others, eh? You say nothing because it's not good.
It's a secret eh?
Won't you kill me or throw me away that there are some they want that?
I'm not dirty! I am not a monster.
Is it wrong or its okay to have thoughts like this?
The rapist says his not well. Its dirty. Its sins. We must ask god for forgiveness for bad thinking dirty and asking god to put us back on the right path out the demon.
I have a lot of demons.
The rapist knows how to make me pure and beautiful.
Won't you refuse to see us if we tell you that?
Can we keep coming to see you?
Are you not angry?
Don't you find us horrible and dirty?
I have a lot of dirt in me.
I beg your pardon.
Will you forgive me?
We're mad at my sister, we don't want to talk to her anymore.
I'm too upset and suddenly I'm paralyzed again.
I wanted to enjoy the outdoors with my daughters and I can't. And their presence awakens the parties that reject the fact that I have children. I wish they weren't there. Feel like sleeping. Want to die. Everything is too complicated.
We just want to know can you listen to everyone without shutting down? The nuns and the tolerant and for?
Without judging or condemning?
Without rejecting?
Hello
The part that falls asleep is again very present. Yesterday I felt exhausted all the time with the urge to sleep very, very strongly.
This part is there when there is too much conflict and fear inside.
And I also have parts that use sex to "unload" when there is too much anxiety inside.
I managed to go out with my fleas yesterday, they were able to swim and have fun but I was prevented from doing so. I can always only be a spectator. People came and a group with dogs. I was not well. I was able to counter the anxiety by reading a book.
I really feel like a bad mom right now and I can sense the anger and frustration of the parts dedicated to this task. When I go out, my "victories" are very short, I have to come home quite quickly. With my daughters it is impossible and that is also hard for some parts.
And I had to fight to get home last night. Parts want security and affection and some want to make sure they don't lose my boyfriend's support by donating the body.
When the worries and inner conflicts over my sister were at their height this weekend, I gave the body. As if this was the only solution to appease internally. But afterwards I was not very well.
It went well. During I switched and parts did not want any more and my boyfriend accepted and reassured. He did not get angry and did not force.
Today I have a lot of things to do but I can feel the part that falls asleep and the depressive parts in the foreground. I have trouble extracting it.
I find it harder to reassure and modify in this kind of case because I don't really understand what makes them act.
When I go out I know it's because there were rapes outside and I can reassure me to show that we are safe. There I do not know what to do or say to reassure. I am a little helpless and blind because I do not yet understand them enough to change their vision and way of acting ...
And the more I advance the less I want to fit into the mold. My choices of clothes are changing. I no longer want to put on makeup.
I'm afraid I'm no longer a woman.
I detach myself from the gaze and judgment of others, I become freer and that scares me. I am afraid of no longer belonging to the group and diktats of society, to its standards.
And I don't want my rapists to win by making me reject men.
I am sad too sad. It's not nice what did. He's not nice.
I would like to tell my sister but there are some they don't want.
I would like someone to take me in the arms to console but my boyfriend will not do it because he worked a lot today and he is too tired. It's not the good parts that will be there. It's the bad guys who might come because he's tired.
What if this is all wrong Why am I not afraid of your dog?
And why am I afraid when I go outside and see them threatening?
The rapist couldn't have done that.
The rapist knew very well that he was the one I loved. They had. He wouldn't have believed.
I am not well. We would like to flee from this body. We don't want to. We want to go, help me escape. Help me. Kill me. Lock me up. I do not want.
Hello
It's better today. We feel more at peace.
We continue to read the book "the magic castle". It is too beautiful. Her mom is too beautiful. We love it.
We haven't had that.
My mom has me, she sucks. But inside you can do that on your own.
We can understand and love each other the same.
We'll get there.
In fact the rapist had no right to do that. He had no right. It is he who is dirty and bad. It is he who is not handsome. Not me. And the part that told her she loved him wasn't that she had to if not he was mean. It’s not me who’s dirty.
It's him!
Is it okay to hate and love my mom? Is it okay to feel this for everyone?
I'm reading the book and I'm sad because I'm sure my switches were showing. I'm sure when I was little that I just switched that I controlled nothing, and mom she didn't WANT to see. She hasn't seen anything. She decided not to see.
It's certain."
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