This article is quite strange for a first day of this new year 2022... But when I have something in my head it's quite difficult to get it out!!! Haha!!! I hope you will forgive me!
I wish you each a lot of joy, laughter, love and shared happiness for this new year!!
For almost a year I have been reading a lot on the subject of dysphoria. I try to understand the different positions, points of view. First of all because it is a very current and mediatized social subject but also because it is a very divisive subject and discussed with a lot of violence on social networks.
For a long time, I wanted to write an article on this subject but I didn't dare. For fear of being the victim of violence, of being criticized because I wish to testify to a point of view that has not been discussed until now (or in any case, I have not seen it mentioned). For fear that my words hurt or are misunderstood...
Having grown up in a sect in which expressing oneself, having a point of view, questioning oneself was forbidden, it is essential for me to learn to feel free to listen to divergent points of view, to position myself or to question myself without feel in danger because the interlocutor opposite expresses a prohibition to do so. This kind of reaction, forbidding in a virulent way to discuss or criticize is a trigger for me which sends me back to automatisms acquired in the sect, it lights up my internal alarms and is the source of a lot of suffering and internal conflicts. In the sect, only the guru's point of view was legitimate. To oppose him, to think differently or in a more nuanced way was forbidden. If a member of the sect did so, the stigma fell on him, no one had the right to discuss with him, if he persisted, he could be transferred elsewhere where the living conditions could be more precarious or even dangerous or be expelled from the sect and disappear completely... So each time I read articles which express contrary opinions or disagreements, when I take the liberty of expressing a divergent point of view or that I take the liberty of criticizing a subject, I am involuntarily immersed in this feeling that a threat hangs over my head, my life is in danger, what I do or think is wrong, I have no right to do it...
So I fight that, and little by little, by dint of experiences, of attempts, I try to detach myself from these pessimistic beliefs and to assimilate that it is my right and that by doing this, I am not doing anything wrong.
It is thanks to open discussions with people that little by little I opened my eyes to the way in which I had been educated, the manipulation of which I had been the victim, the influence and the violence that I had suffered. Without discussion, without sharing, we cannot understand the other and we cannot understand ourselves. It is the confrontation which allows knowledge, it is the openness to the other which enriches. Criticizing or questioning is not denying, refusing or silencing and wanting the other to disappear. Discussing and exchanging allows on the contrary to free the word and allows to join. It is a bridge to our humanity.
As you know, I have dissociative identity disorder, also called DID. In a DID, we have several dissociative parts. Some of these dissociative parts can "feel" masculine or feminine. I have dissociative parts with masculine nouns or "masculine functions". I have a majority of "female" dissociative parts but that might not have been the case.
In a way, I tell myself that I could have "felt like a man" at certain times in my life, except that now I better understand the why of the existence and the necessity of these dissociative "masculine" parts in me. .
These dissociative parts are a way of allowing myself to be strong, to fight, to do tasks and to dream and live things that were only reserved for men in the sect in which I grew up.
I obviously respect trans people and do not deny their rights or their existence and legitimacy to express themselves and claim to be understood and accepted as they are!!! And in no case, I would allow myself to say that these people are all identical to me, live the same thing as me and that therefore they should see things the same way as me!!
The only thing I want to testify is that sometimes a form of dysphoria can be felt when you have DID and when you have suffered violence. And it is important for me to bear witness to this. I am not a psychologist or psychiatrist and I do not pretend to self-diagnose. I don't know for sure if what I feel sometimes could be called "dysphoria" in the psychiatric sense of the term. I just read the criteria in the DSM V and read many articles or testimonials talking about this and recognized myself in part. I simply wish to address this subject which touches me in a certain way and to express here my personal reflection.
I'm embarrassed by the talk of "if you feel... then you are...".
Because in my disorder, DID, I "feel" a lot of things!
Sometimes I feel small, when one of my very small dissociative parts comes, I feel dizzy, my body seems gigantic to me, when I look around me, the objects, the point of view I have of them is very strange.
Sometimes I feel like a teenager. I have a "teenage" behavior, I will have a very categorical speech, throw anger, sulk, giggle and make stupid jokes...
Sometimes I don't feel like a mother. I deny this reality. They are not "mine". My daughters are very foreign to me, I don't recognize them, their needs get on my nerves. This is usually the case when child or adolescent dissociative parts are present.
But I'm an adult, in an adult body. I have adult responsibilities, I am a mother of two daughters, I have a job, I have to support my family.
Sometimes I feel dead, detached from my body, unable to move it or feel it. It's a way for me to escape the rapes he suffered, not to carry this weight, this guilt, these abject feelings... It didn't happen to me, I didn't experienced none of this. My body is always "pure".
But I didn't die. I'm alive and I've been raped. And I have to accept that, forgive myself, forgive my body, forgive those parts that had no other choice to survive than to abandon my body. If not, I would be dead.
Sometimes I feel like a woman. I can be very sexy, arch my body seductively, pout my lips, dress in heels, wear makeup, put on very short outfits revealing my shapes...
Sometimes I feel like a mother, and I no longer behave in this seductive way, I can have feminine outfits but much more "correct", be vigilant and not try to "flirt", have a "respectable" behavior and outfit ... My role as a mother, my daughters and their well-being come first, nothing else exists.
Forgive this very stereotypical view. In the sect, the vision of women was very Manichean. Officially, the woman had to marry (preferably with a follower and if this was not the case, convert him), have children very quickly (much preferably). Certain families of the sect were glorified because they represented the ideal family, a copy of the holy family in the bible... The woman had no other alternative, either she bore children or she was a consecrated sister and had to be pure and in the total gift to others and to the sect.
Sex was taboo. God gave the children, they were a miracle. They had to be educated perfectly according to the rules of the sect and then once adults, the pinnacle of success was that they engage in the sect like their parents.
Unofficially, the guru asked me to behave like a "whore". He filmed me, took my picture and I had to play the sexy and seductive woman during the rapes.
What is very strange to me is that the part that "plays this role", Enzo is underage. Preteen actually. But when she is present in the foreground in me, I find it difficult to put together her age and her behavior. The guru told her that she was a woman. He loved her small breasts and her woman's body. I see myself in a biased way. I "feel" a woman because the words of the guru resonate within me. But a short time ago, I ended up realizing that in fact at that time, I had the body of a little girl, breasts non-existent or almost. And I still have trouble putting this data together into a coherent whole... The way I "feel" is different from the reality of the facts. I also struggle with the feelings I have towards this dissociative part. Some of my parts judge her and call her "the whore" and not Enzo. We are ashamed of her behavior and every time she comes to the fore, when she withdraws I feel a lot of shame, anger and inner resentment towards her. It's not me, I'm holy, I don't behave badly, I'm not a whore... And on the contrary, when she is present, I feel strong, full of power, of a power, I am a Woman, I have power over men... I am no longer a victim, I am the one who decides and I can make them fall in love with me, be nice with me... I "control" the situation.
Sometimes I feel like a man. I dress in guys' clothes, I behave like a guy. I am sure of myself, strong. My voice is deeper, I am authoritarian. I find that my face and my eyes are changing.
My face is more masculine, my look is tougher. I have a lot of trouble when these dissociative parts are there to see my body as it is, with breasts, a vulva. When they are there, my breasts do not exist and I have no sex. This area of my body does not exist, I do not feel it. If my boyfriend hugs me or kisses me, I'm cold and distant.
It is mainly at work that these parts flourish. When I drive big machines, when I do very physical tasks, then I feel so good, so strong and powerful! When I have to lead a team, intervene or speak in front of an assembly... Usually one of these male parts comes.
In the sect, there was a very hierarchical system of governance. There was a couple at the head of the sect. The man took care of the men, the woman managed the women but under the supervision of her husband. The woman could advise the man but it was he who intervened, spoke... The women assumed certain tasks: taking care of the children, the housework, the linen, the stewardship, the meals, the upkeep of the the chapel or its decoration. The men managed the do-it-yourself, the repairs, the bakery, the gardening, the work outside and were the head of the family, the patriarch.
In the sect, they wanted to teach me to sew, knit... I always hated that!! My dissociative "men" parts allowed me to detach myself from all that. I often tried to fight the place to which I was assigned, I learned to make bricks in Africa and I did everything to do it better and faster than the boys for example. In fact it was a way of reconciling the taboos and dictates of the sect. A woman or girl does not have the right to do such and such a thing, she cannot be strong, she must seek advice and help from men for physical tasks? Never mind, I'm not a woman or a girl! I am a guy. So I have the right. I don't break any rules. I'm not at fault, I'm not misbehaving.
Martin, my dissociative part that carries the memories of the extreme violence that I suffered is a masculine part. He is strong and resistant. It was he who allowed me to survive the tortures that were done to me. When the physical pain was too unbearable..
Another dissociative part of me that we call "the beast" is also masculine. He is very young, around 2 or 3 years old. He is wild, does not speak. He growls. He had to behave like an animal during some rapes. That's what he was asked to do. Crawling, growling, licking, barking... I had to be strong. Don't cry, don't show my terror.
Some of my dissociative parts guys are there too because they allow me to regain "power" over my body and my status as a victim. If I am a "guy", I am no longer the weak and helpless little girl who is raped. By being a "man", I can defend myself, oppose myself, say no. The women in the sect owe obedience to their father, their husband, the guru, men in general. A man is always right. To allow myself to no longer let myself go, no longer to let others decide for me, I must be a "man". A man knows what he wants, he is sure of himself. It was again a way for me to allow myself prohibited behaviors without feeling too torn and guilty for doing so.
But I am a woman in a woman's body. I still have a lot of trouble reconciling these different parts that see and feel each other so differently. But I'm starting to be much more tolerant. My wardrobe has clothes that each of my parts like, some male clothes, some female clothes. In the past, I happened to sort it out and throw away everything that didn't suit me, wondering why I had this kind of clothes and how they got there... I don't do that anymore. We are now aware of the different needs and tastes that coexist in me and accept it much more. Because we understand the necessity and the role that each and everyone plays in our system of dissociative parts.
In the DID, you can "feel..." a lot of different things but the whole challenge is there! We need to make our dissociative parts grow, to accept our feelings, our experiences, our sufferings until we accept ourselves and no longer see ourselves as an abused child but an adult aware of his story, strong because he has survived it. And we must succeed in uniting our thinking, our identity, into a coherent and conscious whole. Accept our body, tame it, forgive it, take care of it and feel good inside...
I think that every human being has a part of child in him, of teenager in him, a feminine part in him and a masculine part too...
And we all have to do some inner work to accept ourselves as we are, accept our stories, recognize our strengths but also our weaknesses... It's the path of a lifetime... That's why I don't don't like when people are put in boxes, stereotypes. No one is a single thing. The human being is so rich, complex, plural!
Reflecting on oneself, understanding oneself, knowing oneself is essential for every human being in my opinion! Why do we think what we think? Why do we feel what we feel? Doing this learning to analyze your thoughts allows you to be a better human being in my opinion and to better accept yourself in order to find the path, the identity that suits you and in which you flourish. And there is nothing bad or unhealthy in that.
And when you have a dissociative identity disorder like me, this work is necessary, to go from "I only feel like this, the rest is not me" to an "I am global, plural and complex", allow to be many things, many ways of being.
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